The catalytic event

My health…journey? I suppose one can all it a ‘journey’. Well, my health journey is one of the things that was pivotal in me connecting with what matters to me.

Back in 2022 I was diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis (MS). To say that it came as a shock would be an understatement of monumental proportions. I firmly believed that all it takes to overcome anything is a hefty dose of willpower. I always had a million things on the go, and I wanted to do a million more. So, the frequent illnesses, viral infections, musculoskeletal problems and crippling fatigue were just things to will away. Of course, I was tired - I was working crazy hours and doing all the things that kept me sane while working crazy hours. Of course, I kept getting sick – I was commuting into the office almost daily as soon as lockdown restrictions were lifted while being overworked. Nothing to worry about. Of course, I was having aches and pains – I was exercising daily. And of course, with all the things I had going, fatigue was to be expected, no? Maybe I just needed a few weeks away doing nothing. But there was always something that needed to be done; life admin doesn’t just sort itself out automatically.  

So, you might be wondering, ‘what is the point of all this?’ The point is that I am famously not good at stopping, famous for being the ‘overachiever’. Aren’t you even remotely curious about what prompted me to finally stop and change my ways?

Back to the story: One fine day, I woke up and I could not feel my fingers on one hand. No big deal. I probably ‘just’ had a herniated disc in my neck. Only natural given my 11kg backpack and my workout routine. And so of course I get an MRI. And yes, I have a herniated disc in my neck, but there are also some other problematic areas. The neurologist was concerned, and the neurosurgeon was concerned, and so I was sent for more MRIs. Let me tell you, 3 hours in a metal tube whirring about you in an enclosed space is not a great experience. Sure enough – there are more lesions in my brain and on my spine – enough so that the original neurologist decided to refer me to another neurologist who specialises in this sort of stuff. Note that I was still working during this time – projects, you see? I took, maybe, a couple of days here or there when things were really bad, but mostly continued working from home if I couldn’t go into the office. I did stop exercising, but perhaps that is the one activity I should have continued.

The new neurologist was definitely concerned after receiving the MRI report and images. He sent me for a lumbar puncture. Yes, the procedure where they stick a gigantic needle in your lower back to draw your cerebrospinal fluid to test for…whatever they need to test for. It confirmed the diagnoses. Not only did it confirm the diagnosis, but I was also told I needed to start the DMT (disease modifying treatment, not dimethyltryptamine) as soon as possible to halt the progression.

I truly have no words to describe the mental and emotional shock of receiving this diagnosis – I was too young (no, I was not), I had so much to do! I did not have time to be sick! I knew somewhere at the back of my mind that MS was a very big deal, but, I did not want my life to be my diagnosis. To make matters worse, I also had a major family crisis come up at this time, so I think I went into denial about my own diagnosis because there was a bigger problem to deal with. I thought I enjoyed my work (I did, for the most part – I still do), I had a healthy lifestyle, I had a regular meditation practice. So, what went wrong? Why did I have to end up with a degenerative auto-immune condition with no cure and no way back?  To say I was faced with the fragility of existence during this time is no understatement.  I also kept wondering how I got here. I kept wondering what my ‘legacy’ would be. If I were to suddenly be unable to do all the things I did, would the world even miss me? What was my impact? Why was I here? Why are any of us here? Was I happy? Why did I wake up every morning? If my current identity (overachieving, independent, competent) was stripped away from me, what would I be left with? No, I didn’t find those answers, but I did keep looking. I kept working. (If you haven’t yet figured it out, work is my preferred avoidance mechanism.)

I tried my best to carry on with ‘normal’ life as best as I could, while carving out pockets of time to step back from work to focus on managing the acute MS flare up as best as I could. I carried on with projects and my hobbies, and finally started my treatments in Feb 2023, and then pretty much immediately caught COVID. The treatments for MS are an immunosuppressant, which meant I was prone to getting sick more often. I tried to work from home more frequently when the push was to return to office. But unless I was deathly ill, I didn’t think it was acceptable to work from home on account of diminished immunity. It was heavily implied, in the “return to office” communications, that opportunities would go to people who were present in person over those who weren’t. Life was beginning to feel extremely hard. To carve out a place for myself and my sanity, I began getting militant with my boundaries on what I was willing to accept and what was non-negotiable. I needed to know why I was doing what I was doing. I needed a purpose to keep going. At times it felt like a losing battle. I had to keep reminding myself that the world would carry on without me, but if I didn’t look after my own needs, no one else would. 

You might think this is the end of the story. But wait, it gets better (worse?) – I also needed to have a major surgery in 2023 as I was told putting it off further could only lead to more problems since MS doesn’t play well with general anaesthetic, and MS only gets worse with time. I took 2 weeks off to recover from the surgery and in hindsight, should have probably taken longer. And within weeks, I caught COVID again! Twice in one year, after having staved it off for the duration of the pandemic thus far! What are the odds?! And right after starting my MS treatments which suppress my immunity? Coincidence? Maybe, maybe not. No one knows at this point. One can imagine that with everything that had happened over the past year, and was happening, I wasn’t able to be fully present at work. Lord knows I tried though. But my body and brain had other ideas. I thought I was familiar with fatigue and brain fog and had mechanisms to cope, but I was wrong. I couldn’t finish sentences. I couldn’t finish a thought. I would spend hours on the sofa, staring off into space, not knowing if I’d had breakfast, or what it is that I was thinking. I would forget my train of thought partway through having that thought.

As someone whose whole identity was centred around being brilliant, this revolt from my own body felt like a huge betrayal and was beyond scary. What was scarier was that none of the medical professionals had a clue. Was it cognitive decline due to MS? Was it long COVID? Did I finally succumb to pressures of life and was utterly and totally burntout? No one had a clue. All everyone could say definitively was that I needed rest. For how long? No idea. At least 3 months and then we will re-evaluate. After 3 months it was “at least another 6 months”. Scary? Definitely. Was there anything I could do about it? Absolutely not.  

On the recommendation of my neurologist, my MS care team, and my therapist, I decided to take voluntary severance from my role, working with a team I loved dearly, to focus on my recovery. I promised myself that I would not consider working (in any real sense of the word) for at least 12 months from my last day of work. The mission for the year would be to focus on myself, and to work on finding the answers to those questions I was first faced with right after my initial diagnosis. And that is exactly what I did, what I have been doing since November 2023.

Now I am here and eager to share what I have learned, not just about myself, but about what brings us meaning and how to find joy. I learned a lot about resilience and recovery from burnout, and about forming and maintaining meaningful relationships in our community. I am eager to share what I have learned about purpose, leadership and leading ourselves, and how we can have a meaningful impact in this world. I am eager to show up as my whole self, authentically and in integrity, and hopefully, help others do the same in their own journey.

I am genuinely hoping to connect with more of you on a more human level, so I encourage you to drop me a line (whether you want to work with me or not).